It’s been four weeks since that Monday – that harsh, dark, empty, Monday.
I’m starting to get back into a routine with Lilly as we try to find the "new" normal. Physically I am doing pretty well. I feel like my body has pretty much forgotten the pregnancy, but my mind is having a difficult time letting go. Sure, the empty, sad feelings have lessened some and there are more times during the day when it’s possible for me to laugh or to just feel at peace.
Getting to sleep at night is easier now than it was that first week. But feeling motivated to do much of anything is still a chore.
I find myself talking to my parents and sister almost everyday, totally unaware of the time passing. It’s really nice that they are so understanding. The greeting card companies and people in general expect that each day will get a little easier and a little brighter for people in my situation. But that’s not exactly how grief works. For me the days are unpredictable.
The anger which I didn’t feel so much at first now comes out suddenly in the form of irritability and anxiety – especially when I see pregnant women. Some days it seems like every woman I see is pregnant or carrying a newborn baby. It’s just so unfair, and it’s a painful reminder of what should have been. Then, on other days I remember vividly what my boys looked like, and I feel again the love and peace we shared at their birth.
I’m told that time will heal my grief, but now I know that it is taking the time to grieve that heals.
It was fun to get out as a family again this weekend. On Saturday, we all ended up going to the Meadowlark Botanical Gardens, and despite the weather being almost intolerable, we had a really fun afternoon. And it was really nice to be able to take pictures again; I’ve honestly missed it.
