Finding the "New" Normal

It’s been four weeks since that Monday – that harsh, dark, empty, Monday.

I’m starting to get back into a routine with Lilly as we try to find the "new" normal. Physically I am doing pretty well. I feel like my body has pretty much forgotten the pregnancy, but my mind is having a difficult time letting go. Sure, the empty, sad feelings have lessened some and there are more times during the day when it’s possible for me to laugh or to just feel at peace.

Getting to sleep at night is easier now than it was that first week. But feeling motivated to do much of anything is still a chore.

I find myself talking to my parents and sister almost everyday, totally unaware of the time passing. It’s really nice that they are so understanding. The greeting card companies and people in general expect that each day will get a little easier and a little brighter for people in my situation. But that’s not exactly how grief works. For me the days are unpredictable.

The anger which I didn’t feel so much at first now comes out suddenly in the form of irritability and anxiety – especially when I see pregnant women. Some days it seems like every woman I see is pregnant or carrying a newborn baby. It’s just so unfair, and it’s a painful reminder of what should have been. Then, on other days I remember vividly what my boys looked like, and I feel again the love and peace we shared at their birth.

I’m told that time will heal my grief, but now I know that it is taking the time to grieve that heals.

It was fun to get out as a family again this weekend. On Saturday, we all ended up going to the Meadowlark Botanical Gardens, and despite the weather being almost intolerable, we had a really fun afternoon. And it was really nice to be able to take pictures again; I’ve honestly missed it.

When Hello Means Goodbye…

This has been the hardest week of my life.

I delivered my sweet little baby boys premature around 8:00 p.m. last Monday night. I was five months into my pregnancy (20 weeks) which was far too early for either of the babies to have a chance to survive.

The little guys each weighed about eight ounces and measured nine inches long from head-to-toe. They were both alive when they were delivered and lived for about three hours.

As we saw their little hearts beating and minimal movement from their arms and legs we had a sweet assurance that their special little spirits had entered their small physical bodies.

Gus followed our bishop's council and took them briefly in his hands and gave them a name and a blessing through the authority of the Melchizedek priesthood. We named them Jax Lane and Rook Vernon Henshaw after their grandfathers.

We then took a few tender moments with them to say both an emotional hello and then a very sad goodbye.

The ultrasound showed that I went into premature labor due to a condition called twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome (TTTS). It's essentially a complication of disproportionate blood supply - in other words, one of the twins was taking more of his fair share of nutrients and then urinating much more into his amniotic sac thus pushing his sac into the cervix causing it tear and sending me into labor.

Early Monday morning I started feeling some pain that felt a lot like gas pains. But as the day went on, the pain continued to get more and more intense and I knew I needed to go to the hospital.

Since Gus was in a training class downtown, I ended up driving myself to the hospital, fighting through the vicious pain, checking myself in, and taking care of a rambunctious little Lilly. Eventually some good friends arranged to take care of Lilly – thank you so much Shasta and Gwen!

After I was checked in, my doctor and an on-site perinatologist conducted an ultrasound. They knew upon first glance that it was TTTS. Since the twins shared a placenta, they weren't able to take one of the babies out and then let the other one go full-term. It was an all or none deal.

Physically my body has not yet forgotten the pregnancy, and my mind is still trying to find a way to let go. But I was very fortunate that there weren’t any complications during the delivery process, and I was released that night.

It’s been difficult for me to sleep at night. When I think I’ve emptied out all of my tears, there always seems to be a few more. Those last precious moments of holding these angels in my arms are burned in my memory forever.

A thousand emotions run through me all at once – I think of the thousands of women who have normal pregnancies, and then I wonder “why me?” I think of the stress and the anxiety, the worry and the work of the past few months, and then I cry. I think of these two perfect little spirits who came to me, and I wonder why I was so fortunate to be their mother. I think of what it would have been like to raise them here on earth. I think of their triumphs and trials, their friends, their ballgames, their homework, their sleepovers, their teen years, their missions, their weddings, their children…

Then I think of God’s Great Plan of Salvation and I look forward to the raising them during the Millennial Reign of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Saturday morning, our bishop conducted a beautiful graveside ceremony. Gus’s dad shared some remarks on behalf of the family, and my dad dedicated the grave. The bishop also took some time to share some wonderful remarks and gave me and Gus an amazing blessing.

As my small family drove away from the cemetery I felt Heavenly Father give us a big hug. Gus and I looked at each other and we felt a peace that can only come from God on high.

There are so many people to thank for their kind thoughts and endless prayers. Please know that it has really meant a lot to me and Gus.

Another Fun 4th of July

We had another fun Fourth of July this year. Gus spent half of last week at scout camp (not fun for me), and we were so happy to have him come back on Saturday morning. KA and MJ came over and made a tasty breakfast - I loved the turkey bacon! (with cottage cheese, of course) - and then they took Lilly swimming that afternoon. Gus spent most of his time cleaning out the car from all those dirty scouts.

Saturday night I was feeling okay enough to go with Gus and Lilly to see the fireworks at Fairfax High School. We packed goodies, blankets and pillows in the back of the car and headed off to find a good viewing spot for the festivities. We had to drive around for a little bit before we finally found a decent spot, but once we did we laid the back seat down and Lilly loved snuggling with Kat in the blankets. She thought the fireworks were pretty cool for about the first five minutes or so, but then some Asians with a large basset hound stole the show - she just really wanted to pet that dog! We ended up leaving long before the firework show was over, which was really nice because we beat the traffic and made it home in about four minutes.

I almost vomited looking at the food in this sign...
But seriously, thank you Kawata Sushi for letting us use your parking lot.

Q&A About the Twins

Well, I’m almost 17 weeks along now and I’ve decided to do a post to tackle some of the most popular questions I've gotten about the twins over the weeks:

Are the twins identical?
This is probably the most common question I get asked.
Yes, my twins will be identical.

The nerd term for identical twins is “monozygotic” (MZ). Basically what happens is a single egg is fertilized to form one zygote (hence mono-zygotic) which then splits into two separate embryos. It is a natural phenomenon that doctors cannot yet explain.

On the other hand, fraternal twins, otherwise known as “dizygotic” twins (DZ), usually occur when the woman ovulates two eggs in a short period of time. The two eggs are independently fertilized by two different sperm and then the eggs implant themselves. The two fertilized eggs form two zygotes, hence the term dizygotic (DZ).

At my last ultrasound the doctor could tell the twins were MZ because the little ones shared a placenta. Now, not all MZ twins share a placenta. Occasionally with MZ twins, the zygote will split very early and each cell will develop its own placenta. Since DZ twins have their own placenta as well, this scenario would have made it difficult to tell if they were identical twins (MZ) or fraternal twins (DZ). But in our case they are MZ because they share a placenta.

However, the babies do have separate sacs – the thin membrane surrounding and protecting them and holding the amniotic fluid. The medical term for babies who share a placenta but have separate sacs is monochorionic diamniotic or just mono/di, which occurs most of the time with MZ twins.

Do twins run in your family?
No hereditary influence for MZ twins has been identified. Scientists still haven’t determined why the embryo splits during development. It’s an anomaly that occurs in about three of every 1000 deliveries worldwide. Since our twins are MZ, this question doesn’t apply. I guess we’re just lucky.

Note: Fraternal (DZ) twins can be hereditary on the mother's side. The tendency to release more than one egg in a cycle is a genetic trait that can be passed from mother to daughter.

Were you on fertility medication?
No. Besides, MZ twins are not caused by fertility treatments, birth control pills or maternal age. Again, science does not know what causes identical twinning. Fraternal twinning can be attributed to fertility treatments, advanced maternal age, birth control pills or other factors that influence twinning.

Do you know the gender yet?
Yep. My most recent ultrasound was at 15 weeks and they were able to see two little BOYS! The radiologist was really funny. She said, “Well, there’s only one thing that that can be…” A part of me was hoping for one girl and one boy, but MZ twins are always the same sex. They also have the same blood type and share 100% of their genetic markers.

Do you have names picked out?
Maybe.

How are you feeling?
Like crap.

No really, how are you feeling?
I’m serious. I feel like crap. I'm not as bad as I was in the beginning and I’m not throwing up as much as I used to, but I still feel pretty crappy. I'm afraid this is how I am going to feel the rest of my pregnancy since that is how I was with Lilly.

Right now I crave cottage cheese, white bread (with butter), and watermelon. I get really sick if I eat anything other than these three things – like last week when I ate some of Gus’s cheeseburger from Five Guys. It was so good, and I’m sure the twins enjoyed it. But I’ll never eat at anything from Five Guys again. Just thinking about it makes me sick.

How does Lilly feel about all of this?
My dear, sweet Lilly. I just love that kid. I know some people say that small children don't really comprehend what is going on. That’s not the case with Lilly. She gets it. I really believe that she gets it.

She always rubs my belly and calls the babies by name. She always tells them she is sorry when she jumps on them, or “accidentally” throws something at them. And she always makes sure they each get a Flintstones Vitamin everyday (I haven’t been able to swallow pills so I take two chewable Flintstones each day).

Lilly is very sweet to sit on the couch with me when I feel sad and really sick. We often talk about how big the babies are getting, how much she is going to help when they are finally here, and how she loves looking through all the ultrasound photos. My favorite is when she snuggles up to me and reads me her “Peter Rabbit” book that my mom gave her.

She is really excited about the babies, but not too excited about me lying on the couch all day. She often says things like, "Mom, when you’re not sick anymore you can chase me!" Or another thing she often says to Gus is, "Mommy can’t come, she's too sick."

It makes me feel like a horrible mom that I can’t take care of her. But maybe this is just good preparation for when the babies come and I won’t be able to give her all my attention like I used to back in the good old days.

When is your due date?
My original due date is Dec. 11th, but twins are commonly delivered sooner than singletons - full term is considered 37 weeks with multiples. If this holds true for our boys, they should be here a week or so before Thanksgiving.

How did you feel when you found out that you were pregnant with twins?
I was totally excited! Then I started thinking about all the hard and scary things like how many more complications I could have during pregnancy, or how Lilly is going to handle all of this. I worry that she’ll get left in the dust with two new babies that will demand my constant attention. I know Lilly will be a great big sister and helper but I don’t want her to feel left out. So, I guess right now I am feeling happy, nervous, anxious, blessed, excited, and overwhelmed....all at once.

Fun at the Pool

The pool at our apartment complex recently opened, and Lilly absolutely loves swimming! Usually Gus takes her after he gets home from work, and this weekend her aunts came over and played. Lilly always has so much fun with KA and MJ!

A Great Purchase

This could perhaps be the best 10 bucks we've ever spent. It's the "Amazing Bubbles" bubble machine from Target. After working our way through the insane packaging (they make it so difficult to get these things out of the box!) Lilly was simply in heaven. Actually, I was pretty amazed at how many bubbles this little machine pumps out. After a few minutes the carpet got a little damp from all the bubbles that Lilly wasn't able to pop with her hands. She has loads of fun with this thing. In fact, she was having so much fun that her Aunt MJ had to come over and get in on the action.

The Past Four Weeks

I know, I know. It's been a while since my last post... ya okay, it's been a long while. But I'm back.

The past four weeks have been great.

The second week in May my parents flew out to Virginia to visit us. They were here for a full week and Lilly loved every minute of it. Her favorite thing to do was take long walks with her grandma around our apartment complex making stops at the tennis court, the swimming pool, the club house (affectionately known as the diner), and the mailbox. And she always got really excited when her grandpa would wrestle with her on the living room floor.

At the end of the week, me and Lilly flew back to Idaho with my parents, leaving Gus behind to live the lonely life of a bachelor. It was a long trip and I was so happy to have my parents on the plane with me to entertain Lilly.

Lilly loves Idaho. I mean she really just loved being there.

Then again, what little kid wouldn't love feeding goats every morning with here grandpa, watching the chickens run around, jumping with the cats on the trampoline, running all around the open backyard, visiting Grandma "Arden" (Arnold) and raiding her candy basket every morning, playing the piano and singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" as loud as possible, reading books with her sweet "great-gran", giving endless hugs to James and Brayden, making messes around the house with her cousins, and going shopping with her grandma? She was in heaven. It was such a fun two weeks in Idaho!

It was hard to leave, but we had to head down to Utah to meet up with dad'n. After being alone for two weeks, Gus was finally able to fly back and be with us. We stayed at his parent's house for a few days and had a lot of fun with Cristy and her kids that were also there visiting. Lilly's favorite thing to do was to swing on Gramma Henshaw's swings and run around in the backyard with Grandpa Henshaw. Another highlight was making cupcakes with grandma, and then going to Home Depot to make a craft at the Kids Workshop. Our stay in Utah went by quick, and Susan was a wonderful host as always.

Lilly was surprisingly decent on the plane ride back to DC. Gus couldn't have been happier and says that was the best present for his 30th birthday.

Oh ya, and before I forget...

The reason my parents came to Virginia for a week and I flew home with them for two weeks, and then went to Utah for one week is because I'm pregnant... WITH TWINS! And I'm SUPER sick!

Yep, this go-round has been pretty miserable and I spent the last four weeks either on a couch or a La-Z-Boy trying to relax and keep whatever I can down. I'll be 14 weeks along this Friday and I'm holding on to hope that things will get a little better in my second trimester.

So, while you enjoy the pictures that follow I'm going to run to the bathroom - because here it comes again...