Keeping Busy

Over the past eight weeks I have been trying to stay as busy as I possibly can - it's my Grandma Arnold's advice. As it is I will do just about anything to keep my mind occupied, because I still get really sad when I think about my boys and I'm trying my best to move on. I'm not sure if this method of avoidance is the best way to handle things, but it seems to be helping.

Some of the things that I been doing to keep busy are:

1- Reading. This has been a lifesaver over the last eight weeks. I have read SO many books. I will read anything I can get my hands on. Here is a list of the books I have read:

- For They Too Shall Be Comforted
- Gone Too Soon - The Life and Loss of Infants and Unborn Children
- Angel Children
- For They Shall Be Comforted: Grieving the Loss of a Child
- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
- The Kingdom and the Crown - Fishers Of Men
- The Kingdom and the Crown - Come Unto Me
- The Kingdom and the Crown - Behold The Man
- New Moon
- Our Search for Happiness
- Faith of our Fathers - A House Divided
- The Last 3 months worth of Ensigns
- The Host

(For those wondering, that's a total of 5,046 pages)

2- Baking. I mostly bake cookies with Lilly. We average about two batches a week. I've also made bread a few times.

3- Hanging out with Lilly. I really don't know what I would do without her all day. Lilly is such a fun little girl and she's ALWAYS saying the funniest things. Here are some of her top moments:

- I gave Lilly a cookie and she laid down on the couch and said,
" Ahh.. now this is the life!"

- Gus gave Lilly something (I can't remember what) that she really wanted and Lilly smiled and said, "Daddy your my hero!"

-Whenever Lilly doesn't like something or doesn't want to do something she says, "That is definitely NOT my size!"

- We were driving home from the park one night and Lilly noticed the beautiful sunset and panicked, "Oh no, the sun is melting!"　

- One afternoon we went to the botanical gardens in Vienna and decided to eat lunch in the back of the Highlander. While we were eating Gus said "I am having such a fun time eating here with you guys." Lilly quickly responded, "Daddy, it's my pleasure."　

- While I was putting Lilly into her car seat, I grabbed Kat and moved her out of the way so I could buckle Lilly in. Lilly freaked out and said, "Mom be careful with Kat, she is my responsibility!"

Pony Rides

Last night Lilly and I met up with my friend Ie Li and her kids to go on pony rides. A family in our ward has horses and ponies and they invited us to come over. I wasn't sure how Lilly was going to act around such large animals, so I tried to get her really excited throughout the day. I told her how much fun it was going to be to ride on a horse, and how horses are so nice (incidentally, this is the same method I used when I took her to the dentist for the first time, and it worked wonders!).

When we got there Lilly was so excited to see her friend Mei Li, and she immediately jumped out of the car and ran over to give her a big hug. I showed Lilly how to pet the horse's nose, which she loved, and after that she was ready to jump right on. I was surprised and really happy that she wasn't scared. She even wanted to wear the cute little riding helmet they had. Mei Li was more of a pro than Lilly was as she kept waving to us as she rode; Lilly wouldn't take her hands off of the saddle.

After the girls were done riding we took the horses back into the barn and the kids fed them some hay. Lilly really enjoyed doing this and probably ended up feeding them them too much. In fact, she probably could have fed them all night, but she eventually spotted a cat in the barn and couldn't fight off her obsession. She LOVES cats.

We had such a fun night.

Finding the "New" Normal

It’s been four weeks since that Monday – that harsh, dark, empty, Monday.

I’m starting to get back into a routine with Lilly as we try to find the "new" normal. Physically I am doing pretty well. I feel like my body has pretty much forgotten the pregnancy, but my mind is having a difficult time letting go. Sure, the empty, sad feelings have lessened some and there are more times during the day when it’s possible for me to laugh or to just feel at peace.

Getting to sleep at night is easier now than it was that first week. But feeling motivated to do much of anything is still a chore.

I find myself talking to my parents and sister almost everyday, totally unaware of the time passing. It’s really nice that they are so understanding. The greeting card companies and people in general expect that each day will get a little easier and a little brighter for people in my situation. But that’s not exactly how grief works. For me the days are unpredictable.

The anger which I didn’t feel so much at first now comes out suddenly in the form of irritability and anxiety – especially when I see pregnant women. Some days it seems like every woman I see is pregnant or carrying a newborn baby. It’s just so unfair, and it’s a painful reminder of what should have been. Then, on other days I remember vividly what my boys looked like, and I feel again the love and peace we shared at their birth.

I’m told that time will heal my grief, but now I know that it is taking the time to grieve that heals.

It was fun to get out as a family again this weekend. On Saturday, we all ended up going to the Meadowlark Botanical Gardens, and despite the weather being almost intolerable, we had a really fun afternoon. And it was really nice to be able to take pictures again; I’ve honestly missed it.

When Hello Means Goodbye…

This has been the hardest week of my life.

I delivered my sweet little baby boys premature around 8:00 p.m. last Monday night. I was five months into my pregnancy (20 weeks) which was far too early for either of the babies to have a chance to survive.

The little guys each weighed about eight ounces and measured nine inches long from head-to-toe. They were both alive when they were delivered and lived for about three hours.

As we saw their little hearts beating and minimal movement from their arms and legs we had a sweet assurance that their special little spirits had entered their small physical bodies.

Gus followed our bishop's council and took them briefly in his hands and gave them a name and a blessing through the authority of the Melchizedek priesthood. We named them Jax Lane and Rook Vernon Henshaw after their grandfathers.

We then took a few tender moments with them to say both an emotional hello and then a very sad goodbye.

The ultrasound showed that I went into premature labor due to a condition called twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome (TTTS). It's essentially a complication of disproportionate blood supply - in other words, one of the twins was taking more of his fair share of nutrients and then urinating much more into his amniotic sac thus pushing his sac into the cervix causing it tear and sending me into labor.

Early Monday morning I started feeling some pain that felt a lot like gas pains. But as the day went on, the pain continued to get more and more intense and I knew I needed to go to the hospital.

Since Gus was in a training class downtown, I ended up driving myself to the hospital, fighting through the vicious pain, checking myself in, and taking care of a rambunctious little Lilly. Eventually some good friends arranged to take care of Lilly – thank you so much Shasta and Gwen!

After I was checked in, my doctor and an on-site perinatologist conducted an ultrasound. They knew upon first glance that it was TTTS. Since the twins shared a placenta, they weren't able to take one of the babies out and then let the other one go full-term. It was an all or none deal.

Physically my body has not yet forgotten the pregnancy, and my mind is still trying to find a way to let go. But I was very fortunate that there weren’t any complications during the delivery process, and I was released that night.

It’s been difficult for me to sleep at night. When I think I’ve emptied out all of my tears, there always seems to be a few more. Those last precious moments of holding these angels in my arms are burned in my memory forever.

A thousand emotions run through me all at once – I think of the thousands of women who have normal pregnancies, and then I wonder “why me?” I think of the stress and the anxiety, the worry and the work of the past few months, and then I cry. I think of these two perfect little spirits who came to me, and I wonder why I was so fortunate to be their mother. I think of what it would have been like to raise them here on earth. I think of their triumphs and trials, their friends, their ballgames, their homework, their sleepovers, their teen years, their missions, their weddings, their children…

Then I think of God’s Great Plan of Salvation and I look forward to the raising them during the Millennial Reign of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Saturday morning, our bishop conducted a beautiful graveside ceremony. Gus’s dad shared some remarks on behalf of the family, and my dad dedicated the grave. The bishop also took some time to share some wonderful remarks and gave me and Gus an amazing blessing.

As my small family drove away from the cemetery I felt Heavenly Father give us a big hug. Gus and I looked at each other and we felt a peace that can only come from God on high.

There are so many people to thank for their kind thoughts and endless prayers. Please know that it has really meant a lot to me and Gus.

Another Fun 4th of July

We had another fun Fourth of July this year. Gus spent half of last week at scout camp (not fun for me), and we were so happy to have him come back on Saturday morning. KA and MJ came over and made a tasty breakfast - I loved the turkey bacon! (with cottage cheese, of course) - and then they took Lilly swimming that afternoon. Gus spent most of his time cleaning out the car from all those dirty scouts.

Saturday night I was feeling okay enough to go with Gus and Lilly to see the fireworks at Fairfax High School. We packed goodies, blankets and pillows in the back of the car and headed off to find a good viewing spot for the festivities. We had to drive around for a little bit before we finally found a decent spot, but once we did we laid the back seat down and Lilly loved snuggling with Kat in the blankets. She thought the fireworks were pretty cool for about the first five minutes or so, but then some Asians with a large basset hound stole the show - she just really wanted to pet that dog! We ended up leaving long before the firework show was over, which was really nice because we beat the traffic and made it home in about four minutes.

I almost vomited looking at the food in this sign...
But seriously, thank you Kawata Sushi for letting us use your parking lot.

Q&A About the Twins

Well, I’m almost 17 weeks along now and I’ve decided to do a post to tackle some of the most popular questions I've gotten about the twins over the weeks:

Are the twins identical?
This is probably the most common question I get asked.
Yes, my twins will be identical.

The nerd term for identical twins is “monozygotic” (MZ). Basically what happens is a single egg is fertilized to form one zygote (hence mono-zygotic) which then splits into two separate embryos. It is a natural phenomenon that doctors cannot yet explain.

On the other hand, fraternal twins, otherwise known as “dizygotic” twins (DZ), usually occur when the woman ovulates two eggs in a short period of time. The two eggs are independently fertilized by two different sperm and then the eggs implant themselves. The two fertilized eggs form two zygotes, hence the term dizygotic (DZ).

At my last ultrasound the doctor could tell the twins were MZ because the little ones shared a placenta. Now, not all MZ twins share a placenta. Occasionally with MZ twins, the zygote will split very early and each cell will develop its own placenta. Since DZ twins have their own placenta as well, this scenario would have made it difficult to tell if they were identical twins (MZ) or fraternal twins (DZ). But in our case they are MZ because they share a placenta.

However, the babies do have separate sacs – the thin membrane surrounding and protecting them and holding the amniotic fluid. The medical term for babies who share a placenta but have separate sacs is monochorionic diamniotic or just mono/di, which occurs most of the time with MZ twins.

Do twins run in your family?
No hereditary influence for MZ twins has been identified. Scientists still haven’t determined why the embryo splits during development. It’s an anomaly that occurs in about three of every 1000 deliveries worldwide. Since our twins are MZ, this question doesn’t apply. I guess we’re just lucky.

Note: Fraternal (DZ) twins can be hereditary on the mother's side. The tendency to release more than one egg in a cycle is a genetic trait that can be passed from mother to daughter.

Were you on fertility medication?
No. Besides, MZ twins are not caused by fertility treatments, birth control pills or maternal age. Again, science does not know what causes identical twinning. Fraternal twinning can be attributed to fertility treatments, advanced maternal age, birth control pills or other factors that influence twinning.

Do you know the gender yet?
Yep. My most recent ultrasound was at 15 weeks and they were able to see two little BOYS! The radiologist was really funny. She said, “Well, there’s only one thing that that can be…” A part of me was hoping for one girl and one boy, but MZ twins are always the same sex. They also have the same blood type and share 100% of their genetic markers.

Do you have names picked out?
Maybe.

How are you feeling?
Like crap.

No really, how are you feeling?
I’m serious. I feel like crap. I'm not as bad as I was in the beginning and I’m not throwing up as much as I used to, but I still feel pretty crappy. I'm afraid this is how I am going to feel the rest of my pregnancy since that is how I was with Lilly.

Right now I crave cottage cheese, white bread (with butter), and watermelon. I get really sick if I eat anything other than these three things – like last week when I ate some of Gus’s cheeseburger from Five Guys. It was so good, and I’m sure the twins enjoyed it. But I’ll never eat at anything from Five Guys again. Just thinking about it makes me sick.

How does Lilly feel about all of this?
My dear, sweet Lilly. I just love that kid. I know some people say that small children don't really comprehend what is going on. That’s not the case with Lilly. She gets it. I really believe that she gets it.

She always rubs my belly and calls the babies by name. She always tells them she is sorry when she jumps on them, or “accidentally” throws something at them. And she always makes sure they each get a Flintstones Vitamin everyday (I haven’t been able to swallow pills so I take two chewable Flintstones each day).

Lilly is very sweet to sit on the couch with me when I feel sad and really sick. We often talk about how big the babies are getting, how much she is going to help when they are finally here, and how she loves looking through all the ultrasound photos. My favorite is when she snuggles up to me and reads me her “Peter Rabbit” book that my mom gave her.

She is really excited about the babies, but not too excited about me lying on the couch all day. She often says things like, "Mom, when you’re not sick anymore you can chase me!" Or another thing she often says to Gus is, "Mommy can’t come, she's too sick."

It makes me feel like a horrible mom that I can’t take care of her. But maybe this is just good preparation for when the babies come and I won’t be able to give her all my attention like I used to back in the good old days.

When is your due date?
My original due date is Dec. 11th, but twins are commonly delivered sooner than singletons - full term is considered 37 weeks with multiples. If this holds true for our boys, they should be here a week or so before Thanksgiving.

How did you feel when you found out that you were pregnant with twins?
I was totally excited! Then I started thinking about all the hard and scary things like how many more complications I could have during pregnancy, or how Lilly is going to handle all of this. I worry that she’ll get left in the dust with two new babies that will demand my constant attention. I know Lilly will be a great big sister and helper but I don’t want her to feel left out. So, I guess right now I am feeling happy, nervous, anxious, blessed, excited, and overwhelmed....all at once.

Fun at the Pool

The pool at our apartment complex recently opened, and Lilly absolutely loves swimming! Usually Gus takes her after he gets home from work, and this weekend her aunts came over and played. Lilly always has so much fun with KA and MJ!