One Year Ago Today

One year ago today I gave birth to two precious baby boys. We held them tight for three beautiful hours before they left this mortal life to return home. It was such a special day. But it was also horrible. I had my feet kicked out from underneath me. My dreams were dashed. I felt like my life was over.

I still have many of the same sad feelings that I felt in those early months. In fact, over the past year I've experienced so many different feelings. Sometimes those feelings were pretty, and sometimes they weren't - but that's life and I won't apologize for it. I won't apologize for feeling so mad when I became part of that small statistic of mothers to lose their babies at 19 weeks. I won't apologize for feeling so abandoned when I miscarried not only once, but twice after losing my boys - once at 8 weeks and once at 12 weeks. Each pregnancy had its own unique complication, and I'm tired of being that one-pregnant-woman-in-a-thousand to have "such-and-such" happen. It's very emotional and frustrating. Yet through it all, I'M STILL STANDING.

Heavenly Father has sent angels upon angels to comfort me. I would like to think some of those angels were family members who have passed on - but I know for certain a lot of those angels were YOU, my friends and family who have rallied around me and supported me. I just want to say, "Thanks."

I just keep telling myself that this is all part of Heavenly Father's Plan. Tough plan, albeit. But everything will be perfect in the end.

And when I am holding my baby boys again, everything will be perfect.

Bike Riding and Breastfeeding

On Monday for Family Home Evening we bought Lilly a bike. She has been wanting one forever and talking about her friend Sadie's bike for weeks, maybe even months. Toys R Us had the one we wanted and since it was on sale we went for it. When we got to the store we found out that the 12" was WAY too small and the 14" was almost too small. So we went with a 16". She looks so grown up when she rides it.

When we got it home Gus had to put it together. He wasn't about to pay another $10 to have it assembled at the store. I was a little nervous, but it turned out to be pretty easy to put-together.

After it was assembled we took it outside for a test run. Lilly caught on quickly and now can peddle and stop like a pro.

Today, Lilly went to her friend Jonas's birthday party. It was a superhero party and everyone received capes in their favorite colors. They were the cutest things ever! When we got home I caught Lilly watching a movie like this....

When I asked her what she was doing she said, "Just breastfeeding my baby." What?! She has never seen ME do this! She must have seen women in our ward nursing their babies like this. So, now her new superhero cape is a nursing cover.

What A Delightful Child

Lilly has become such a delightful child. Not that she wasn't before, but she is getting so much easier as she gets older. She is also getting funnier. Here are some of the cute and funny things she has said and done over the last month or so:

I was quietly sitting on the couch reading a book and Lilly came up to me and put her little arms around my neck and said, "Mom, thanks so much for taking care of me." It melted my heart. It was so cute and so out of the blue. I told her she didn't need to get me a Mother's Day present now.

Lilly and I were in the car when we drove past the hospital. She remembered that it was the hospital where I had delivered her brothers. So of course we started talking about death and how they were living with Heavenly Father. I told her that when we die we will get to see them again. Lilly was a little stressed and said, "But mom, I don't want to die!" So I told her that she probably wouldn't die for a very long time, not until she is really old and had a really long happy life. She responded, "But I don't want to get old, I want to just stay new forever!"

I watched my friend's 9 month old little baby one afternoon and Lilly helped me so much by entertaining the infant for hours. She was seriously such a great helper! After the baby went home, me and Lilly started talking about how she was going to be such a great helper when I someday have another baby. She was telling me how it was going to be her job to change the baby's stinky diapers, feed the baby, put the baby to sleep, and play with the baby. I told her that those could definitely be her jobs. Then Lilly said, "Mom, its a really good thing you have me."

One day Aunt MJ came over to hang out with Lilly. MJ took her to Wendy's and bought her a happy meal and then they came home and had a dance party. After MJ left, Lilly laid down on the couch and said,
"Mom, MJ is just divine."

I caught Lilly hopping around with bunny ears on her head and depositing Easter eggs around the house. I said "Oh, are you the Easter Bunny?" Lilly replied, "No, I'm the Easter Bunny's wife."

Gus and I had to get our blood taken one day. I got my blood taken with no issues. Gus passed out (this deserves its own post - I'm still laughing about it). Lilly watched eagerly while our blood was drawn, and then sobbed on the way home because she wanted her blood taken too. So she did the next best thing and came home and stuck tacks in her baby and pretended to take her blood. She now has a fetish for needles and tells me daily that she is going to be a nurse when she grows up.

Lilly used to hate talking on the phone. Now she loves it, only if she can go to her bedroom and talk in private. Occasionally I will go in and listen because I want to hear the conversation she is having. Whenever I do, she always mouths "GO OUT!"

Lilly loves her friend Sadie's little brother Jack. One day she was going on and on about how cute Jack is and how she wished he lived with us. Then she said, "Mom, we should just go buy one". Oh, if it were only that easy!

Gus, Lilly, and I were in the car discussing Mother's Day and how it is a day to celebrate our moms. We also told Lilly that next month we will have Father's Day. Lilly thought about that for a moment and said, "Wait, so when is Lilly's Day?"

The last couple of weeks Lills and I have been driving Gus to the Metro at 6:30 in the morning. We usually have to wake Lilly up. One morning after we woke her up she layed on the floor and said, "Man, I dont think I got enough sleep last night". After we drop Gus off, Lilly always yells, "Adios Daddy!"

Busy Lilly

Lilly loves dirt and anything to do with gardening, so we went to Home Depot and bought some flowers and planters. Lilly had a wonderful time helping Gus plant the flowers. They even planted a few radishes because we heard that they grow really fast. Lilly has loved watching them grow and watering them every morning.

Lilly is also REALLY enjoying her ballet class. She finished one 10-week class and then started another one about 4 weeks ago. She loves wearing a leotard and running around with her 3 friends from the ward that take it with her. She also loves her teacher, Miss Judy. She makes it so fun to learn! Occasionally Lilly pretends like she is Miss Judy and teaches her dolls and stuffed animals all the ballet positions.

This was a class picture from the end of her last class:

Lilly also likes to go swimming right after class every week with her friend Sadie. Me and Sadie's mom, Abby, sit on the side and just watch the girls play. Its nice not to have to get in with them. Lilly is a little too brave and always ventures out into the deep end. Today I almost had to jump in after her when she started bobbing in the water and gasping for air. I was glad that she regained her footing before I got my clothes all wet! When she finally gained composure she yelled, "I'm OK!" and then laughed. It was just business as usual. Sometimes she is just way to brave!

White House Garden Tour

KA was able to get our little family tickets to the White House Garden Tour. So Saturday, after our Stake Relief Society Luncheon, we headed downtown. We miraculously found a parking spot and made our way to the line that wrapped around the block. I just have to remember that whenever there is something fun going on downtown there will always be a million people there! I am not in Idaho anymore.
We made it to the security check point where I was promptly frisked. I always seem to be the one that gets frisked at the airport so I told the guy frisking me, "I always get picked for these random pat downs!" His crusty reply was, "There is nothing random about this ma'm." I was just trying to make conversation since its hard not to when someone is touching you inapproprately.

The grounds were alot bigger than I had imagined and it was fun being on the other side of the gate.

The White House

Lilly really wanted to play on Sasha and Malia's swingset (I think Gus did too)

Michelle Obama's vegetable garden

The White House again

Me and Lills on the South Lawn

We walked through the Children's Garden where they had a basektball court/tennis court and cute little pond surrounded by handprints of some of the children that lived at the White House.

Standing right next to the White House

Lilly loved running around like a wild animal

Cherry Blossom Festival

Saturday afternoon we headed downtown to the Cherry Blossom Festival. We had never been before and thought we should check it out. We rode the metro in and Lilly loved it. When we finally got there it was jam packed with people! It was pretty insane. Wall to wall people all the way there and back. The cherry blossoms really were gorgeous, so we hung around for a little while and took a few pictures. After half an hour we decided to head back home because we were sick of fighting the crowds. We decided if we EVER do that again it will have to be on a weekday when it is less crowded.

On the metro

Dont mind Lilly's hand in this picture!!

Easter Morning

The Easter bunny came to our house this Easter Sunday and left Lilly lots of candy, sidewalk chalk, a swimsuit, and a pinwheel for her and her brothers. Lilly loved hunting for the eggs he had hidden all over the house.

Then we watched General Conference. It was wonderful to have it fall on this beautiful Easter day! This year Lilly did very well staying quiet so that Gus and I could listen. Lilly looked at books, played with blocks, and even did her daddy's hair a few times while we listened to the many wonderful messages.

Gus's sisters, KA and MJ came out for the 2nd session and ate Easter dinner with us.

Later that night we took a trip out to the cemetary to put Jax and Rook's pinwheel on their grave. It was a wonderful day.