When Hello Means Goodbye…

This has been the hardest week of my life.

I delivered my sweet little baby boys premature around 8:00 p.m. last Monday night. I was five months into my pregnancy (20 weeks) which was far too early for either of the babies to have a chance to survive.

The little guys each weighed about eight ounces and measured nine inches long from head-to-toe. They were both alive when they were delivered and lived for about three hours.

As we saw their little hearts beating and minimal movement from their arms and legs we had a sweet assurance that their special little spirits had entered their small physical bodies.

Gus followed our bishop's council and took them briefly in his hands and gave them a name and a blessing through the authority of the Melchizedek priesthood. We named them Jax Lane and Rook Vernon Henshaw after their grandfathers.

We then took a few tender moments with them to say both an emotional hello and then a very sad goodbye.

The ultrasound showed that I went into premature labor due to a condition called twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome (TTTS). It's essentially a complication of disproportionate blood supply - in other words, one of the twins was taking more of his fair share of nutrients and then urinating much more into his amniotic sac thus pushing his sac into the cervix causing it tear and sending me into labor.

Early Monday morning I started feeling some pain that felt a lot like gas pains. But as the day went on, the pain continued to get more and more intense and I knew I needed to go to the hospital.

Since Gus was in a training class downtown, I ended up driving myself to the hospital, fighting through the vicious pain, checking myself in, and taking care of a rambunctious little Lilly. Eventually some good friends arranged to take care of Lilly – thank you so much Shasta and Gwen!

After I was checked in, my doctor and an on-site perinatologist conducted an ultrasound. They knew upon first glance that it was TTTS. Since the twins shared a placenta, they weren't able to take one of the babies out and then let the other one go full-term. It was an all or none deal.

Physically my body has not yet forgotten the pregnancy, and my mind is still trying to find a way to let go. But I was very fortunate that there weren’t any complications during the delivery process, and I was released that night.

It’s been difficult for me to sleep at night. When I think I’ve emptied out all of my tears, there always seems to be a few more. Those last precious moments of holding these angels in my arms are burned in my memory forever.

A thousand emotions run through me all at once – I think of the thousands of women who have normal pregnancies, and then I wonder “why me?” I think of the stress and the anxiety, the worry and the work of the past few months, and then I cry. I think of these two perfect little spirits who came to me, and I wonder why I was so fortunate to be their mother. I think of what it would have been like to raise them here on earth. I think of their triumphs and trials, their friends, their ballgames, their homework, their sleepovers, their teen years, their missions, their weddings, their children…

Then I think of God’s Great Plan of Salvation and I look forward to the raising them during the Millennial Reign of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Saturday morning, our bishop conducted a beautiful graveside ceremony. Gus’s dad shared some remarks on behalf of the family, and my dad dedicated the grave. The bishop also took some time to share some wonderful remarks and gave me and Gus an amazing blessing.

As my small family drove away from the cemetery I felt Heavenly Father give us a big hug. Gus and I looked at each other and we felt a peace that can only come from God on high.

There are so many people to thank for their kind thoughts and endless prayers. Please know that it has really meant a lot to me and Gus.