Bittersweet

Yesterday was bittersweet. It was the day that the headstone was finally finished and placed on our sweet little boys grave. For us, it made everything feel final. I was so happy to have something finally covering that bare spot of dirt, and it turned out beautiful.

It was also a day of remembering. It was hard because it brought back some very sad and angry feelings. We miss so much what we could have had here on this earth, and it hurts. I look at Lilly and feel sad that she won’t get to play with her two little brothers. I hope that some day I can think of my boys and ALWAYS think happy thoughts.

While we were in the Angel Garden at the cemetery I noticed a couple who stood crying over their tiny son's grave. It made me feel so sad for them because they may not have the knowledge that they will see him again. This made me so grateful for the knowledge that I have that I WILL see my two little boys again someday. But even with that knowledge, I still feel empty and sad over their loss; yet knowing that this isnt the end makes it bearable.

We put a Norway flag with the flowers because Gus's brother Nate is on a mission there

Kissing her brothers

Happenings

What Lilly has been up to:

1- She started Joy School two weeks ago and absolutely loves it. She wasn't scared at all because all of her friends from church were there. She goes twice a week for 2 1/2 hours, and I have loved having this time to myself to run errands and shop.

2- She is obsessed with anything High School Musical. It all started when Aunt MJ and Aunt KA showed Lilly their "We’re All In This Together" dance they did with their friends for a ward talent show. Lilly now knows the words to all the HSM songs and occasionally busts out her rendition of “Breaking Free” or “Bop to the Top” at the most inopportune times – like in the middle of Sacrament Meeting. It’s quite embarrassing, but very cute (I think it’s because she’s so off key when she sings). Her favorite character from the movie is Sharpay, and she makes this known to everyone.

3- Dressing up like a princess in her tutu, sparkly shoes, princess crown, butterfly wings, and bracelets. Gus even took her to the grocery store like this.

4- Playing mommy to her twin babies.

5- NOT taking naps. Recently, Lilly has been on a nap strike and it drives me crazy! She gets really tired but refuses to nap, and then she’s super cranky and whiny all day. It’s awesome.

What I have been up to:

1- Reading the last 3 books in the Faith of our Fathers series.

2- Making hair bows and headbands for Lilly.

3- Shopping for a new Fall wardrobe for Lilly (she’s growing up way too fast!).

4- Putting together a shadow box in memory of Jax and Rook.

5- Planning fun Fall adventures.

6- Reading up on photography and photo shop. I really want to start taking pictures for people but I need to get a whole lot better. So, if anyone wants me to take pictures of their family or kids for free, I would love to. I need the practice!

7- Looking for a sewing machine. I really want to sew Lilly some cute dresses. Hopefully Gus gets me a sewing machine for my birthday (hint, hint).

Virginia Beach

Last weekend we took a trip down to Virginia Beach before we said goodbye to another fun summer. We invited MJ to join us on the trip and Lilly couldn’t have been happier. I get real nervous when we have to travel long distances with Lilly because she’s never really done well sitting in her car seat for long periods of time. But, it turns out she did great with MJ sitting next to her. They read books, watched High School Musical over and over, had lively dance parties (with their seat belts on, of course), and entertained each other during the whole three hour drive out to the coast.

When we arrived, we checked into our hotel and then immediately headed down to the beach. MJ was nice to take family pictures for us, which turned out great, and then we stayed for a couple of hours and let Lilly play in the sand. She loved making sand castles and searching for seashells, and spent only a few moments playing in the waves with Gus. She said it was “kinda coldy” even though the water was quite nice.

After we got cleaned up from the beach we went and ate dinner at the Silver Diner. Honestly, the food was disgusting. I don’t think we’ll ever go back. But the ice cream at Cold Stone afterwards…ya, we’ll definitely go back there.

That night I was anxious to see how Lilly would do sleeping in the queen bed with MJ. She never sleeps well anywhere except her own bed, but it turned out that Lilly was really excited to have a bed buddy and she fell right to sleep while MJ tickled her face.

On Saturday morning we headed down to the beach again. Lilly went right to work building sandcastles and then finding seashells to decorate with. She loved standing at the water’s edge and letting the water knock her off balance. She laughed and laughed when it would hit her legs.

The weather was great, the water was warm, and Lilly was happy. So ya, we had a wonderful time – a great trip to end the summer.

Building the perfect sandcastle

Adding the finishing touches.....seashells, feathers, and driftwood

Kat also had an amazing time at the beach. Lilly had a fun time burying her in the sand.

The water was SO warm. We all loved it

Sometimes the waves were a little strong and they would knock us over

Name That Tune...

Keeping Busy

Over the past eight weeks I have been trying to stay as busy as I possibly can - it's my Grandma Arnold's advice. As it is I will do just about anything to keep my mind occupied, because I still get really sad when I think about my boys and I'm trying my best to move on. I'm not sure if this method of avoidance is the best way to handle things, but it seems to be helping.

Some of the things that I been doing to keep busy are:

1- Reading. This has been a lifesaver over the last eight weeks. I have read SO many books. I will read anything I can get my hands on. Here is a list of the books I have read:

- For They Too Shall Be Comforted
- Gone Too Soon - The Life and Loss of Infants and Unborn Children
- Angel Children
- For They Shall Be Comforted: Grieving the Loss of a Child
- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
- The Kingdom and the Crown - Fishers Of Men
- The Kingdom and the Crown - Come Unto Me
- The Kingdom and the Crown - Behold The Man
- New Moon
- Our Search for Happiness
- Faith of our Fathers - A House Divided
- The Last 3 months worth of Ensigns
- The Host

(For those wondering, that's a total of 5,046 pages)

2- Baking. I mostly bake cookies with Lilly. We average about two batches a week. I've also made bread a few times.

3- Hanging out with Lilly. I really don't know what I would do without her all day. Lilly is such a fun little girl and she's ALWAYS saying the funniest things. Here are some of her top moments:

- I gave Lilly a cookie and she laid down on the couch and said,
" Ahh.. now this is the life!"

- Gus gave Lilly something (I can't remember what) that she really wanted and Lilly smiled and said, "Daddy your my hero!"

-Whenever Lilly doesn't like something or doesn't want to do something she says, "That is definitely NOT my size!"

- We were driving home from the park one night and Lilly noticed the beautiful sunset and panicked, "Oh no, the sun is melting!"　

- One afternoon we went to the botanical gardens in Vienna and decided to eat lunch in the back of the Highlander. While we were eating Gus said "I am having such a fun time eating here with you guys." Lilly quickly responded, "Daddy, it's my pleasure."　

- While I was putting Lilly into her car seat, I grabbed Kat and moved her out of the way so I could buckle Lilly in. Lilly freaked out and said, "Mom be careful with Kat, she is my responsibility!"

Pony Rides

Last night Lilly and I met up with my friend Ie Li and her kids to go on pony rides. A family in our ward has horses and ponies and they invited us to come over. I wasn't sure how Lilly was going to act around such large animals, so I tried to get her really excited throughout the day. I told her how much fun it was going to be to ride on a horse, and how horses are so nice (incidentally, this is the same method I used when I took her to the dentist for the first time, and it worked wonders!).

When we got there Lilly was so excited to see her friend Mei Li, and she immediately jumped out of the car and ran over to give her a big hug. I showed Lilly how to pet the horse's nose, which she loved, and after that she was ready to jump right on. I was surprised and really happy that she wasn't scared. She even wanted to wear the cute little riding helmet they had. Mei Li was more of a pro than Lilly was as she kept waving to us as she rode; Lilly wouldn't take her hands off of the saddle.

After the girls were done riding we took the horses back into the barn and the kids fed them some hay. Lilly really enjoyed doing this and probably ended up feeding them them too much. In fact, she probably could have fed them all night, but she eventually spotted a cat in the barn and couldn't fight off her obsession. She LOVES cats.

We had such a fun night.

Finding the "New" Normal

It’s been four weeks since that Monday – that harsh, dark, empty, Monday.

I’m starting to get back into a routine with Lilly as we try to find the "new" normal. Physically I am doing pretty well. I feel like my body has pretty much forgotten the pregnancy, but my mind is having a difficult time letting go. Sure, the empty, sad feelings have lessened some and there are more times during the day when it’s possible for me to laugh or to just feel at peace.

Getting to sleep at night is easier now than it was that first week. But feeling motivated to do much of anything is still a chore.

I find myself talking to my parents and sister almost everyday, totally unaware of the time passing. It’s really nice that they are so understanding. The greeting card companies and people in general expect that each day will get a little easier and a little brighter for people in my situation. But that’s not exactly how grief works. For me the days are unpredictable.

The anger which I didn’t feel so much at first now comes out suddenly in the form of irritability and anxiety – especially when I see pregnant women. Some days it seems like every woman I see is pregnant or carrying a newborn baby. It’s just so unfair, and it’s a painful reminder of what should have been. Then, on other days I remember vividly what my boys looked like, and I feel again the love and peace we shared at their birth.

I’m told that time will heal my grief, but now I know that it is taking the time to grieve that heals.

It was fun to get out as a family again this weekend. On Saturday, we all ended up going to the Meadowlark Botanical Gardens, and despite the weather being almost intolerable, we had a really fun afternoon. And it was really nice to be able to take pictures again; I’ve honestly missed it.